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Bow to the conference room table!

My friend works at a business with a corporate culture that has no compare. Here's an email that went out about the care of feeding of a new conference room table, and a few replies from the guys who work there. Original Message #1: The new conference room table has been delivered. Please take care of it... put your hot cups on something that acts as a coaster, wipe up spills and condensation promptly, avoid indentations by writing on a pad of paper vs. a single sheet etc. Reply #1: Please bow when entering the room and remove your shoes. Always put on the plastic gloves prior to sitting at the table. Do not speak loudly, as it may interfere with the wood stain. Join hands and sing coom bah yah followed by we are not worthy to the table. Reply #2: The room will be kept at a fixed 55.4 degrees Fahrenheit in order that no condensation will collect on the great and powerful Table. Please bring offerings of wood polish and tree bark when seeking an audience with the Table. Reply #3: Let it be known throughout the Land that only those deemed Worthy shalt sit in the presence of the Table. Ye shalt be deemed Table Sitworthy if ye abide by the following decree: I) Thou shalt cleanse thyself thrice upon entry into the Table's sacred Chamber: Once by the wearing of the glove, so as to prevent the dirty oils of the hand from burning and soiling the Great Table's shining countenance Once by the wearing of the mask, so as to prevent the unclean breath from spilling its noxious fumes into the air that sustaineth the Table Once by seeking the forgiveness of the Table's Keeper for thinking impure thoughts whilst in the presence of the Table, so as to purge these impure thoughts before they stain the Table's very soul II ) Thou shalt have attended a university befitting the Table. (If thou dost be so foolhardy as to believe this includes any desecration of learning that be not Harvard nor Dartmouth, thou shalt be flogged thrice a fortnight whilst standing naked before the Table) III ) Thou shalt uphold the Prime Directive (known by the commoners as Rule #1) with great vigour in all matters pertaining to the Table IV ) Thou shalt in all things show thy gratitude for what the Table hath bestowed upon thee by kneeling then genuflecting no less than thrice before approaching the Table V-XXIV) As for decrees V though XXIV, thou pretty much gettest the idea- mess not with yon Table, or yea verily yon Table shall mess with thee.